Tuesday, June 12, 2012
today i sat in the 3 hour diabetes class 2. it was a lot of numbers and math and now another way of doing marlee's insulin. i know i will figure it out but i just sat through it trying not to have a panic attack. marlee has been doing so great and now we can incorporate more snacks that she would like and not have to tell her no when she wants something. the downside of that is more shots. she did her first one in her belly tonite and did great. she also poked her own finger to take her blood sugars. she takes great pride in getting her blood sugar machine all set up and ready to go. she loves to tell us how to do it! since we have started this journey i have focused on the everyday needs for marlee. just in the past few days i have started to be more concerned about her future. i fear our economy and pray we will never have to deal with an insulin shortage. this is something marlee can't live without. i know God provides and he has also let us to be smart and stock up on supplies we use. i have kevin to thank for that. i am concerned about her being left with other people. i left to go shopping with naomi the other day and was shaking as i walked out the door. i had no doubt kevin could handle her for a couple of hours but fear and uncertainty stirred in my soul. it was not a good place to be. i prayed for my heart to be calm and to trust the process. and of course they did fine without me. this is a lesson on my heart. i am learning to be more organized, be flexible, and be calm. i am not great at these yet but have realized that this is where i need to put my energy into.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
so many new things this week. overall it has been a really good week with marlee. her blood sugar levels have been much more level this week. not much of anything over 200. the beginning of the week marlee was wanting her sugars taken a lot because she realized if her sugars were low she would get a sweet snack-juice, grapes, cookies, candy. she really was liking it. it took a few days to try to teach her we didn't want her sugars getting too low. she is starting to flinch when i give her the insulin shots. seeing the bruises on her legs from when i give her the shot or pull out the needle the wrong way really tugs at my heart yet. at times it makes me sick to my stomach or makes me want to cry when she flinches and says "that one hurt mommy."...................... a selfish moment for me is that i have to get her meal all ready at one time. and count carbs for everything. often i am eating last and just want to sit down and enjoy a meal with the family. marlee also gets her insulin before she eats which means we need to make sure she eats what we give her. and that does not always work well. having a 4 year old with an appetite all over the place means she doesn't always eat everything on her plate. it was hard earlier this week but i am learning that if marlee wants more of something i don't make her finish another item. because of the time i spend time preparing her meal and figuring out her numbers i want her to eat what i give her. so for me it is all about flexibility. i am taking the 2nd diabetes class this week which will help me know more yet.........................so today i am grateful for a big crazy family that shows love in so many ways. i love how naomi cares so much about how marlee feels. i love how kevin and i can look at each other when marlee teaches us how to take her sugars and know she is tugging at our hearts. i love smiles. so smile today and smile a lot.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
this day has forever changed our lives. marlee has been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. there has been so many emotions, thoughts, fears, and life changes that i want to keep track of it all. this is real even though somedays i feel like i am living a blur...... day 1. i checked marlee's blood sugar from a machine my mother in law gave me. marlee had an appointment later the next week because we knew something was off with her. constant drinking and wetting her pants and bed. very emotional and kind of mean. i kind of knew in my heart that it was diabetes but didn't want to face it. so, we checked her sugar about 4:30p.m. and it was 445. i freaked. we called the on call doctor and they referred us to the er at the childrens hospital. i bribed marlee by taking her to hardings first to buy her a new beanie boo. she was great at the er. they checked her sugars there too and they were 560. the only thing she didn't like were the sticky heart monitor stickers. she did great with the iv until a bit before we left. again, i felt like i was living a blur. i thank God that marlee did not get very sick before we found out she had diabetes. because of that we were able to come home that night. it was a little nerve wracking because i didn't want her to have anything bad happen. they gave her insulin that nite and we had to be at the endocrinologist office the next morning at 9:30. they reassured me she would be fine. and she was...... day 2. drive to grand rapids to meet with dr. pinar. she was amazing and loved marlee from the first moment she saw her. dr. pinar and her assistant talked us through much information, checked marlee over, and then we started diabetes boot camp. we went through the paperwork, how much insulin to give marlee, how to work the shots, and how to take her blood sugar. marlee was very ancy and got sick of sitting and waiting. kevin walked her around and i practiced and recieved a "fake" shot so i would know how it felt. i do not like needles and this part started getting to me. i started crying for the fear had started in me that i was going to do something wrong and would cause marlee to die from my negligence. i also really did not want to give her shots. kevin and i were fast learners since we have some knowledge of diabetes from our moms. and we were sent home with all the supplies we needed and a daughter whose life and wellness depends on our watchful eyes...... we got home and got right into the counting carbs and checking sugars. i do the sugar testing and the shot. amazingly i do not get sick. i just have a completely broken heart that i have to do this at all. marlee does not like the poking of her fingers and we learn quickly to make a game of it. we let her pick what arm, then what finger, then we shake and roll her arm to get the blood moving good. i am not good at first and quite often have to poke her finger more that one time. this happens quite a bit at first as i am learning the best place to poke her fingers. marlee asks that one of the kids or daddy makes a funny face while i do her shot and sugars. and so we survived day 2...... day 3&4. what i do not realize at first is how much it bothers max and naomi to be in the room while we are checking sugars and giving marlee her insulin shot. we had to sit and tell the kids that it was ok to not want to make a funny face or be in the room. i told them that i don't like it either and that over time it would get easier. and when they are ready they could tell marlee yes, i will hold your hand or make a funny face. this has an effect on all of our family. marlee still struggles with the finger pokes these days but does great while we give her the insulin. at night i cry because i am struggling with figuring out numbers and making sure she eats what we give her. it is a change in our eating because marlee likes to snack and we now have to eat all of one meal at one time...... day 5. today marlee was an emotional wreck all day. i know that it is her diabetes trying to get regulated and her perky 4 year old attitude. by the evening i had had it. i felt beat down after being yelled at by a high sugar 4 year old for 2 hours. kev was out swimming at the pool with the big kids. i didn't know what to do with marlee because everything i suggested wasn't good enough. then i hear a knock at my door. it is tonya. the moment i saw her i started crying and she knew i needed a moment. i am very blessed to have such a great friend who will do so much for me and our family. so she took marlee and levi for a walk and gave me the time i needed to be alone. i thank God He gave me this time. all the fear, frustration, anger, and tiredness combined to this moment. i wept for my daughter. i wept for her having to poke her finger for the rest of her life. i wept for her needing insulin and having to monitor everything she puts in her mouth. i wept because i was so grateful that we got her diagnosis before things turned worse...... day 6 through week 2. each day i learn more about carbs. i have yet to search any forums or gone out to ask for help. i really don't know what to ask for as i am just taking one moment at a time. i know there will be a time all that information will sink into my brain and the right people are ready and willing to support me in what i need to know. our family has been blessed with prayers. kevin and i are able to give shots and take sugars without too much trouble from marlee now. it pains me to see the marks on her legs and arms from all the shots. at times it makes me sick to my stomach. when she flinches at the poke of her insulin needle i want to take it for her. when she is wanting something to eat at a time when her sugars say no i just want to give in but i must redirect marlee to something else...... first sunday at church-day 15. i was nervous the whole drive to church. marlee would be in a strangers hands for her class time. her sugars were high this morning as she had taken more carbs than we gave her insulin for. she stayed with kevin and i during some of the singing then i walked her to class. i needed to talk to one of the adults. as he came out and i started babbling about marlee he said "wait, i will get my wife, she is a nurse." and God gave me a big gift that morning as this wonderful lady was a pediatric nurse and she knew everything she needed to do as marlee's sugars were at 327 when i brought her in. she was a gift to us that morning. and in my gratefulness i walked out of the classroom in tears as i know God is teaching me that He will provide. He has this handled a lot better that i do. i am a small part of this journey with marlee. i know that one day i will have more knowledge and comfort than i do now. but right now i am learning to trust. trust God that he will keep marlee from harm. trust God that i can do this. and to have trust in myself...... trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will guide your paths straight.