christmas baking

today was a wonderful day. marlee, naomi, levi and i went to my mom and dad's for some baking. my sister in law and her kiddos were there too! it was great to bake with the cousins. it did bring on its challenges with a 4 year old with diabetes who likes to lick the batter and try a piece of everything we were making. i can't even remember how many shots i gave her for whatever she put in her mouth. thank heavens she doesn't complain about the shots. i tell her "you will need insulin if you want to try this" and she looks at me and says "just give me more insulin, i want another cookie." the pump will be easier when we get started the end of the month. i then will just have to push a button!

forgetting

the other day i was getting marlee (and everyone else) ready to eat-i put the needle on the syringe figured out how many carbs dinner was then took the needle off and dispensed it before i even gave marlee her insulin. i was in a blur. this seems to be happening a lot to me lately. my mind is in a blur of busyness. mostly good but at times feeling like i have lost my mind.

a lot

so much has been going on here. in the beginning of september our family (other than daddy) got hand, foot and mouth disease.

intro to pump...

today was our intro to pump day for marlee. we have much information from kev's mom about the insulin pump and know that it is a much easier way to handle insulin so we have been moving as quickly as possible with the goal of getting marlee on the pump. levi has been pointing to this day on the calendar saying "pump". marlee came with us to the appointment. we talked through much of the information with our nurse and then she attached the pump to marlee. she showed us how to place the port in her and then how to attach it. for now it is empty. this is just a trial to see how her skin does with the adhesive and also how she does having it on her all day and nite. when she first got the needle put in she did great. a few seconds later she looked like she was going to start to cry and said she didn't want it on anymore. we then talked to her about how this is a practice one and her real one will be pink and sparkly or however she wants it to look. when we got home getting her down for a nap with it was a little hard at first. she came out crying saying how she didn't like it (i thought it was the whole thing) but she only wanted it to be pink... you gotta love her fashion sense:) she has never liked sticky things on her-especially in the ER. so, i hope she will start to have some understanding that having this will help us stop doing shots every time she eats something. so, after swimming and time for shower marlee wanted the port off again and naomi totally took her mind off it by talking about princesses and fairies and they played in the shower. in that time together naomi also talked to marle about how the pump works and how it will give her the insulin a little at a time (as naomi learned how it works from grandma). naomi just floored me tonite as to how much she loves and cares about marlee. it is one of those moments when i looked at naomi and was so thankful for the wonderful little girl she is. she knows how to comfort marlee and is a natural caretaker. so, we will do the pump but now until october or november as they want you to wait about 6 months after diagnosis. marlee also starts preschool and we don't want to many new things at once. so we will keep doing what we are doing and take each moment as it comes...

trusting

oh Lord i put my trust in You... raising children is not an easy job. i take my parenting very personally which is not always a good thing. we raise them with good morals and teach them what we believe. letting them make choices and suffer the consequences is part of life. the part i struggle with is why did you make that not so smart choice in the first place. i raised you better than that. but, they will grow and continue to make bad choices. i am learning again a lesson of trust. i don't understand why children make bad decisions as i don't understand adam and eve's sin in the beginning of creation. God knows the big picture. i am a small part of it. all this while i need to remind myself that i make not so smart choices yet too and i am an adult-role model-mom. i praise you oh God for i am fearfully and wonderfully made. and this is the face i may want to make when bad choices are made. but you can't beat the way levi does this one...

mad at diabetes

i think i am going through the anger process of marlee having diabetes. right now i think every bit of it sucks. from taking her sugars all the time. making sure she isn't getting low if she plays for too long. listening to her 4 year old voice saying "i don't want you to check my sugars again mommy." constantly pushing her to eat all of her meal so she doesn't feel sick from not eating the amount of food we gave her insulin for. the shots-they feel neverending-almost 300 needles now. the carb book. figuring out how many carbs and how much insulin to give marlee for a meal. sometimes forgetting how much insulin i just gave her and hoping it was correct. writting all the numbers in her journal which i have often forgot until the end of the day then trying to remember from notes i have all over and numbers on the glucometer. taking time from the other kids because i am trying to make sure i have each of her meals figured out. not being able to let her go to bible school or a movie without us being there to make sure nothing goes wrong. i am just feeling that so much of her freedom is gone. she will always be dependent on insulin-shots or soon the pump. i know there is so much good that will come from this too but right now i am having a hard time looking beyond it. feeling like i am doing pretty good and then having this anger pop is catching me off guard. i thought i was handling it pretty well. and my word trust pops in my head as i am writting this. that is what it is all about for me. ok, thanks God:) this is not my battle to handle, it is His. thanks God. these photos were taken in april-about a month before her diagnosis. i want her to always feel as free as she was here. she is so wonderful, so beautiful, so loving, so happy, and such an innocent child. i love you marlee girl...

she...is simply a treasure

yeah!!! i am back to pictures once again! these are totally blown out and blurry but they are so marlee! she is my trooper, my sweetie, my little treasure. oh what a joy she brings in our lives!!!

brave girl

it has been 4 weeks since marlee's diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. we have almost gone through a box of 100 needles, a couple hundred test strips, and many emotions. marlee is now pinching her own finger and squeezing out her blood to test her sugars. she chooses where she wants her insulin shot and doesn't flinch. she is learning how many carbs are in many foods. there are times when she doesn't want her insulin and i don't blame her. it is the new routine of counting everything and testing her sugars before she eats and making her wait to eat until she has her insulin. i am learning to not fight her on taking a bite of food. trusting myself with her care is getting easier.

diabetes class 2

today i sat in the 3 hour diabetes class 2. it was a lot of numbers and math and now another way of doing marlee's insulin. i know i will figure it out but i just sat through it trying not to have a panic attack. marlee has been doing so great and now we can incorporate more snacks that she would like and not have to tell her no when she wants something. the downside of that is more shots. she did her first one in her belly tonite and did great. she also poked her own finger to take her blood sugars. she takes great pride in getting her blood sugar machine all set up and ready to go. she loves to tell us how to do it! since we have started this journey i have focused on the everyday needs for marlee. just in the past few days i have started to be more concerned about her future. i fear our economy and pray we will never have to deal with an insulin shortage. this is something marlee can't live without. i know God provides and he has also let us to be smart and stock up on supplies we use. i have kevin to thank for that. i am concerned about her being left with other people. i left to go shopping with naomi the other day and was shaking as i walked out the door. i had no doubt kevin could handle her for a couple of hours but fear and uncertainty stirred in my soul. it was not a good place to be. i prayed for my heart to be calm and to trust the process. and of course they did fine without me. this is a lesson on my heart. i am learning to be more organized, be flexible, and be calm. i am not great at these yet but have realized that this is where i need to put my energy into.

a new week

so many new things this week. overall it has been a really good week with marlee. her blood sugar levels have been much more level this week. not much of anything over 200. the beginning of the week marlee was wanting her sugars taken a lot because she realized if her sugars were low she would get a sweet snack-juice, grapes, cookies, candy. she really was liking it. it took a few days to try to teach her we didn't want her sugars getting too low. she is starting to flinch when i give her the insulin shots. seeing the bruises on her legs from when i give her the shot or pull out the needle the wrong way really tugs at my heart yet. at times it makes me sick to my stomach or makes me want to cry when she flinches and says "that one hurt mommy."...................... a selfish moment for me is that i have to get her meal all ready at one time. and count carbs for everything. often i am eating last and just want to sit down and enjoy a meal with the family. marlee also gets her insulin before she eats which means we need to make sure she eats what we give her. and that does not always work well. having a 4 year old with an appetite all over the place means she doesn't always eat everything on her plate. it was hard earlier this week but i am learning that if marlee wants more of something i don't make her finish another item. because of the time i spend time preparing her meal and figuring out her numbers i want her to eat what i give her. so for me it is all about flexibility. i am taking the 2nd diabetes class this week which will help me know more yet.........................so today i am grateful for a big crazy family that shows love in so many ways. i love how naomi cares so much about how marlee feels. i love how kevin and i can look at each other when marlee teaches us how to take her sugars and know she is tugging at our hearts. i love smiles. so smile today and smile a lot.

marlee...may 19, 2012

this day has forever changed our lives. marlee has been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. there has been so many emotions, thoughts, fears, and life changes that i want to keep track of it all. this is real even though somedays i feel like i am living a blur...... day 1. i checked marlee's blood sugar from a machine my mother in law gave me. marlee had an appointment later the next week because we knew something was off with her. constant drinking and wetting her pants and bed. very emotional and kind of mean. i kind of knew in my heart that it was diabetes but didn't want to face it. so, we checked her sugar about 4:30p.m. and it was 445. i freaked. we called the on call doctor and they referred us to the er at the childrens hospital. i bribed marlee by taking her to hardings first to buy her a new beanie boo. she was great at the er. they checked her sugars there too and they were 560. the only thing she didn't like were the sticky heart monitor stickers. she did great with the iv until a bit before we left. again, i felt like i was living a blur. i thank God that marlee did not get very sick before we found out she had diabetes. because of that we were able to come home that night. it was a little nerve wracking because i didn't want her to have anything bad happen. they gave her insulin that nite and we had to be at the endocrinologist office the next morning at 9:30. they reassured me she would be fine. and she was...... day 2. drive to grand rapids to meet with dr. pinar. she was amazing and loved marlee from the first moment she saw her. dr. pinar and her assistant talked us through much information, checked marlee over, and then we started diabetes boot camp. we went through the paperwork, how much insulin to give marlee, how to work the shots, and how to take her blood sugar. marlee was very ancy and got sick of sitting and waiting. kevin walked her around and i practiced and recieved a "fake" shot so i would know how it felt. i do not like needles and this part started getting to me. i started crying for the fear had started in me that i was going to do something wrong and would cause marlee to die from my negligence. i also really did not want to give her shots. kevin and i were fast learners since we have some knowledge of diabetes from our moms. and we were sent home with all the supplies we needed and a daughter whose life and wellness depends on our watchful eyes...... we got home and got right into the counting carbs and checking sugars. i do the sugar testing and the shot. amazingly i do not get sick. i just have a completely broken heart that i have to do this at all. marlee does not like the poking of her fingers and we learn quickly to make a game of it. we let her pick what arm, then what finger, then we shake and roll her arm to get the blood moving good. i am not good at first and quite often have to poke her finger more that one time. this happens quite a bit at first as i am learning the best place to poke her fingers. marlee asks that one of the kids or daddy makes a funny face while i do her shot and sugars. and so we survived day 2...... day 3&4. what i do not realize at first is how much it bothers max and naomi to be in the room while we are checking sugars and giving marlee her insulin shot. we had to sit and tell the kids that it was ok to not want to make a funny face or be in the room. i told them that i don't like it either and that over time it would get easier. and when they are ready they could tell marlee yes, i will hold your hand or make a funny face. this has an effect on all of our family. marlee still struggles with the finger pokes these days but does great while we give her the insulin. at night i cry because i am struggling with figuring out numbers and making sure she eats what we give her. it is a change in our eating because marlee likes to snack and we now have to eat all of one meal at one time...... day 5. today marlee was an emotional wreck all day. i know that it is her diabetes trying to get regulated and her perky 4 year old attitude. by the evening i had had it. i felt beat down after being yelled at by a high sugar 4 year old for 2 hours. kev was out swimming at the pool with the big kids. i didn't know what to do with marlee because everything i suggested wasn't good enough. then i hear a knock at my door. it is tonya. the moment i saw her i started crying and she knew i needed a moment. i am very blessed to have such a great friend who will do so much for me and our family. so she took marlee and levi for a walk and gave me the time i needed to be alone. i thank God He gave me this time. all the fear, frustration, anger, and tiredness combined to this moment. i wept for my daughter. i wept for her having to poke her finger for the rest of her life. i wept for her needing insulin and having to monitor everything she puts in her mouth. i wept because i was so grateful that we got her diagnosis before things turned worse...... day 6 through week 2. each day i learn more about carbs. i have yet to search any forums or gone out to ask for help. i really don't know what to ask for as i am just taking one moment at a time. i know there will be a time all that information will sink into my brain and the right people are ready and willing to support me in what i need to know. our family has been blessed with prayers. kevin and i are able to give shots and take sugars without too much trouble from marlee now. it pains me to see the marks on her legs and arms from all the shots. at times it makes me sick to my stomach. when she flinches at the poke of her insulin needle i want to take it for her. when she is wanting something to eat at a time when her sugars say no i just want to give in but i must redirect marlee to something else...... first sunday at church-day 15. i was nervous the whole drive to church. marlee would be in a strangers hands for her class time. her sugars were high this morning as she had taken more carbs than we gave her insulin for. she stayed with kevin and i during some of the singing then i walked her to class. i needed to talk to one of the adults. as he came out and i started babbling about marlee he said "wait, i will get my wife, she is a nurse." and God gave me a big gift that morning as this wonderful lady was a pediatric nurse and she knew everything she needed to do as marlee's sugars were at 327 when i brought her in. she was a gift to us that morning. and in my gratefulness i walked out of the classroom in tears as i know God is teaching me that He will provide. He has this handled a lot better that i do. i am a small part of this journey with marlee. i know that one day i will have more knowledge and comfort than i do now. but right now i am learning to trust. trust God that he will keep marlee from harm. trust God that i can do this. and to have trust in myself...... trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will guide your paths straight.

the three little robots

i have had these canvases for over a year. they were all painted at the base for a long time and i didn't know what to do with them. thanks to my she art class i have been inspired greatly! these are all originals for me and i am proud to say they were all my creations!
these will hang staggered in levi's room. i have to find a place he can't reach to tear them down! he smiles at them when i have them out. so, it will be fun to see them on his wall. i can't wait to get them up!

robot #1-18x18 this first one is the largest canvas i have done. so fun to have so much space to fill in.




robot #2-12x12 orange is awesome. this little guy turned out great! he is bright and has a funky personality.




robot#3-10x10 i totally love this blue. mixing paint colors to make my own unique blend is great fun. i did that with the blue on here. the book paper in the background goes along with his head. the look of the book paper is one of my favorites.

rejoice original art

i had been thinking for a while how to incorporate my word for the year into some art that i saw every day. this canvas is my first original i made that was inspired from what i learned in my she art class. i love how bright and crazy busy it is. it speaks totally of my heart and life right now. i love how it is so easy to add a verse or saying to whatever i am making. it is great to see this as a constant reminder to rejoice in the Lord everyday.

more girls...

the third girl from my class

i made this one for my dear sweet niece jori. she turned one recently and she is a little ball of sunshine. this is the fourth girl from my class.

the second girl from my class.